Thoughts #18: Not Perfect

2/24/25

Hey...

It's late at night here, I'm about to turn in for the evening, but I really feel like I need to write something. So here goes...

My life doesn't need to be perfect.

I've gotten so hung up recently on everything being perfect. A perfect book, a perfect life, a perfect story. The story goes for both books and life.

See what has been coming out as thoughts about repair stems from this basic incorrect assumption. I may have said things don't need to be perfect in other blogs, but did I really feel that way? Do I even feel that way now?

I didn't mean to write so many blogs in a row, day after day. But you know what, who cares! This doesn't need to be perfect either.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I know the pains I'm feeling right now.

I'm not sure how to define it, I feel lost. Not like my life isn't going anywhere. I just want another life altogether.

I don't know if I want to live in my books, in the stories I'm reading, or in some video game that runs through my head. But I know I don't want to be here, in this world, in this life. Why?

Because it's not perfect? (That's what I'm coming to understand.)

See there's one major thing in all those other worlds: I know everything will work out.

Even when the main character faces hardships I know they will overcome it all and find better peace on the other side. I've been interpretting this as my desire for love, since I've read and seen a lot of romance genres lately. (Which is fair, I would love to feel loved...but even that feeling stems from something.)

See I believe it all comes down to what I said above. I don't know how things are going to work out here. In ways that means I'm not trusting God, but I'm working with him through this issue.

While I'd love to have a perfect story, become a perfect author, find the love of my life, etc. I'm just waiting around right now. That's the right word: waiting.

I think I'm doing things, but I'm not. I'm just trusting God and not acting.

How can God move in my life if I refuse to take a step forward. Sure I feel like I'm doing things, but I'm not. (This isn't me being hard on myself, I've done that enough in life, and I'm not blaming me for this. Tons of people do it, we're all human!)

But I realized I need to act. But I'm scared to. Why? Because if I act, I need to be perfect.

The perfect writer, the perfect employee, the person man, the perfect son, brother, friend, person! If I act I need to be perfect.

And I'm not.

I've said before, my self-esteem is low. It always has been. I want to be a better version of me, but I always fail to achieve that version. Of course, the answer is clear, I'm so hung up on this perfect version that I can't see the man I'm becoming, good and bad. I miss the good things, because I still hold msyelf to an unachievable standard. I overlook the bad things and miss further chances to improve because I write it all off as extreme failures.

I've gotten emotional lately. I've cried a ton recently. I think this may be connected to this longing for perfection, but I'm not sure how.

I want to accept me for who I am. I want to be done beating myself up. But why can't I be perfect?

Because I'm not. I'm not perfect now, even after all the work I've tried. So why would trying again make me perfect this next time around?

I don't need to be perfect then. I just need to be a better me.

If I want something I need to act, but I don't need to be ashamed of failure. But, I need to act.

If I want love, I need to be a better man. I can't control when God's chosen person for me shows up, but I can make myself ready for it. But, I will fail in my process to improve. That's okay. That doesn't make me a failure, that makes me human. I can't change that. (This is just an example, but it's true and it reins true for all the other areas of my life.)

I think a each blog before has led to this one, and this one will lead perfectly to ones after.

I'm writing this because I decided to "practice" writing today. I wanted just a simple side story about one of my favorite characters. But then I tried to make it perfect, all the right words, the best explainations, even picking my words out very carefully. These are important parts of the process, but this was just practice.

Even if I publish my practice short stories as blogs, they're not published. They don't need to be my best work, they just need to be practice. If I'm always correcting myself, I don't actually realize my ongoing mistakes, I just get used to fixing them. I need to get better at fixing mistakes before they even happen.

That may sound like I'm saying I need to be perfect, but I'm not saying that. I need to aim to be better, that's all. I also need to acknowledge the progress I made. Even if I feel like the world is against me, I can be proud of myself.

I have a lot of work to be done. I don't need to be perfect, but I got plenty of issues to be fixed. Each one addressed opens up a new issue I never noticed before. This isn't a bad thing per se. I just need to aim to be better, and act. God can do it alone, but He's not asking that of me.

I don't need to be perfect, I just need to be a better me.

Rinian Underground Facility

This is an important location in Foundations. Actually, this picture displays it all quite well, the blue steam near the back (Neon), the robots around the central floor (Elain's bots), the stairs and walkway, even the vats and storage along the wall.

This is where the story first picks up. Where we first meet Elain. Where Ai wanders through the wall into the prison. Even where some of the final battle takes place.

When I published Foundations I used a lot of my writing as I originally had it online, thus the book lacked some decent descriptions. That's because my original publish works had these concept art images with them. So by simply copy and pasting those writings without the images, descriptions were left out.

I plan to re-write Foundations II as I have with Origins and Origins II. That way I can deep dive in on descriptions and better define Rine. After all, it's a very important city to the plot going forward. There's even mention of it in Origins II, just keep an eye out.

Remember, you don't need to be perfect either. I hope my ramblings help someone else too. Be the best you, you can be!